You were there in my womb but now you will be forever in my heart

I debated and debated whether I should write about this. This topic which often is considered so personal that people advise you against even mentioning it, leave alone writing about it in a blog.

The very feeling of giving birth to another life brought a sense of fulfillment in my heart. Even i started to recognise myself as a true, complete woman who has been able to support another life. But not every woman gets this treasured feeling. Some women are not able to carry their babies to term. They suffer miscarriages. A sense of incompleteness surrounds a woman, who has had a miscarriage.i am one of them who suffered a miscarriage.I  am completely overwhelmed with grief and loss – my own personal tsunami , was   numb and have kind of made a painful peace with myself acknowledging the loss and admitting defeat with destiny.

 the loss of a baby or a miscarriage, It was not until I had one a weeks back that I realised that every second woman I know has gone through this tragedy. And most have gone through it all alone. Not because they didn't have friends but because you are not supposed to announce a pregnancy till three months and then if you miscarry there is nothing to announce anyways. I wonder why

A miscarriage is such a traumatic experience for any woman not only physically but mentally and emotionally too. And when you are dealing with the loss of a life which was growing in your womb, all you want is lots of warmth, hugs and support.

I could hardly contain my excitement when I went in for my  scan. Seeing my babies on the screen was to be the highlight of my day. But when I saw the look on my specialist's face my heart sank. 

– I was  deeply shocked to learn that neither the embryo had a heartbeat nor was it growing and I was carrying a dead baby. My specialist pulled the curtain to give me some privacy but at that point I couldn't cry. In my mind I was convinced that if I'd had a miscarriage there would be some sign – cramps, bleeding or loss of pregnancy symptoms. I was sure that I would know the moment my baby died.

I didn’t realize babies could die without any immediate change to your pregnancy symptoms and felt terrible to think that I had been carrying dead baby inside me and didn’t know. What type of mother was I?

It wasn't until I was being wheeled into surgery, for a d & c the next morning, that the tears started to stream down my face.

It was then that reality hit and I realized that when
I emerged I would no longer have my baby.
It was to be scraped away.

The physical healing process was quick and painless. But the emotional pain was overwhelming and long lasting.

When I went home later that day I just sat in the room I couldn’t believe that my much longed-for baby was gone and I would never get to hold him in my arms. My much wanted dream of being a mother was being shattered.

Emotionally it was such a tough time but what made it worse was the reaction from other people. Some people avoided me and  said It was “nature's way” .

Almost everybody expected that, as soon as I had healed from the surgery, I should be back at work and acting as if nothing had happened. The world just continued to function. Meantime I was overwhelmed with grief and loss.

I felt anxious and depressed and a sense of overwhelming helplessness. I struggled to function and wondered what was wrong with me.

At that time I didn’t know that this was a normal reaction
or that there were simple things that I could do to
help me heal emotionally and physically.

I found it really difficult to find the help I needed and felt incredibly alone, 

Doctors couldn't find a reason for the miscarriage. Desperate for answers I asked whether it was something that I ate. They assured me it wasn't but I still questioned whether it was something that I had done. The doctor said it was just one of those things.

So easy for the doctors to say and so difficult for us to listen to........ but i have resolved not to give in

As now I am obsessed.......